Driving The Last Spike

Posted: August 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

Salon is reporting that the debt deal has provided the basis for more compromise among the Democrats and the Insane Sociopathic Fucknozzles (formerly known as Republicans).  It seems…well, here, I’ll just excerpt it because I WANT a copyright lawsuit:

President John Boehner and Queen McConnell appeared at the podium to announce significant new compromises with Democrats, based on the pattern of the debt ceiling deal.

“We have made historic agreements on some of the major issues troubling our country” Boehner glowered. “Most significantly, we have critically studied the information regarding global climate change and the degradation of the environment, and the Republican Caucus is no longer able to deny the significance and the dangers.  Without a doubt, we must do something to avoid the loss of more pristine environments, especially the dramatic, chilling landscapes at the poles.”

“The ice loss in the arctic regions is alarming.  Without these resources, We will be unable to adjust long term programs like Medicare and Social Security to make them sustainable.  Therefore, we are announcing a four part program that will totally reverse the damage being done to our environment.  Here’s Miss McConnell to explain further”.

“1.  We need to drastically reduce our reliance on fossil fuels.” McConnell minced.  “Starting immediately, all government vehicles will be scrapped in favor of hybrid and electrical vehicles.  To power these vehicles, we will initialize a new program to tap the earth’s core for energy.  I have been told by Dr. Rex Ruthor that the procedure is safe and easy, and that there is little chance of splitting the planet’s crust like an over ripe grape.

“2.  We need to revamp our food delivery system.  The agricultural industry is hurting; too much tainted food is getting through and killing our citizens.  Therefore, we will be transitioning to a variety of processed food types, nominally soy-based crackers (as far as you know).  This will also tie in to our retirement programs, in ways that are far too complex for the public to understand.  We haven’t decided on a name for the foods yet, but considering the base, something involving ‘soy’ is most likely.  They will come in a wide variety of shapes, colors and flavor; orange, red yellow, green.  The Green is particularly yummy, I am told.  Tastes like chicken.

“3.  Our labor system is terminally broken.  Illegal immigrant workers have depressed wages nationwide, but without jobs for most of the populace, the cost of products and food based on even these depressed wages is out of the reach of most Americans.  Plus, the servants for your Leaders’ multiple houses are unreliable and tend to nip at the brandies.  So we must develop a new labor source.  We will be enlisting the aid of our simian cousins to provide us with this vital new resource.  My friend here, Doctor Cornelius, reports that he has increased the intelligence and abilities of a group of simians to perform these tasks; in particular, one named Caesar shows tremendous potential.

“All of this will help contribute to saving the precious arctic and antarctic resources, giving us the ability to finally put Social Security and Medicare on a sound footing for the long term future.  Simply put, when Americans reach the end of their useful life, they will be given “homesteading opportunities” on their own …ummm… ‘ice floe’.

“And finally, we have a backup initiative, to reduce the massive amounts of unemployment in the younger people.  For now, we are calling it “Carousel” – doesn’t that sound fun?- and it will apply to all citizens up to age 30.

Boehner finished the press conference saying, “We are happy that Obama – he asked us not to call him President anymore- was willing to work out these compromises with us.  We all look forward to the next glorious phases of our beloved country’s evolution.”

In answer to a question from the press, Boehner laughed.  “What, US?  When we say compromise and sacrifice, that’s for YOU.  Suffering is good for the soul, you little person.  Now kiss my taint.”

On his way to his gold HUmmer stretch, filled with orange hookers and $900 bottles of Merlot, Boehner was overheard  saying to Eric Cantor, “Shut up you greasy sniveling shitweasel.  These are GREAT plans.  What could possibly go wrong?”

  1. USA! USA! USA!

    I can’t wait for 2012, when we get pick our the Republican corporate whore president we want to lead fleece us.

    Just like it says in the Constitution!

  2. Boehner continued at Mid-morning presser:

    “In other centrist compromise, Democrats and Republicans agreed to streamline the election process by eliminating the voting procedure. Look, we know Americans are stressed and tired and busy; keeping track of voting places, remembering to bring three forms of ID and a Notary as per our most recent Anti-Vote (Fraud) legislation is a huge imposition.

    “And since we have discovered that we can run the country like a banana Republic just by leveraging the Insane Fucknuts in the Tea Party of the lesser legislature; getting everything we ever wanted, we figure why bother? we’ll just keep things the way they are for the foreseeable future.

    “We still hate President Obama, don’t get me wrong. Why wouldn’t we? Hating on him has allowed us to finally start dismantling the Anti-American Great Society. And Obama agrees.”

  3. By the way, this just in from the Minister of Optimism:

    The stock market had sported a 1% gain in the first few minutes of trade, but it is now in the red with a sizable loss. The reversal came after early buying interest began to wane and then participants received a disappointing ISM Manufacturing reading.

    Obama wants to be the next Ronald Reagan (aka, as in the myth of). So why did the asshole run as a Democrat?

    Anyways, he’s well on his way to being Herbert Hoover the 2nd.

  4. mikey says:

    Hey, don’t sweat it. It’s only going to get much, much worse.

    Assuming they can find the votes in the House to pass the Debt Limit Increase, they can move on to the next hostage. You see, the fiscal year ends September 30, and without new appropriation legislation the government will, stop me if this sounds familiar to you, shut down. And c’mon, there’s no reason to think that getting agreement on a budget will be difficult, is there? Just defund or underfund EPA, NASA, States, Medicaid, FEC, SEC, CDC, OSHA, you know, all that useless deadweight, and everybody’s happy, right?

    Oh, but wait! Remember we’re assuming the Debt Limit legislation passed, right? Well, then, assuming things stay true to form, and the Democrats, led by their President “compromise” on a budget before October First, then there will be about five weeks for the joint deficit reduction committee mandated in the Deficit Reduction Bill to decide on another 1.6 Trillion dollars in cuts to government spending or the mindless ‘triggers’ kick in. So either way we’ll pull another couple hundred Billion out of the gasping and failing economy before the end of the year.

    Oh yeah. Then it’s an election year. Countdown to November, who’s leading the horserace? And you know NOTHING important gets done during an election year. Y’know, this “America in Decline” thing can go pretty fast if we put a little effort into it. I was worried I was gonna die and miss out on all the Schaudenfreude and Dog Food, but maybe not!

  5. Snag says:

    La, la, la, la, la. I can’t hear you.

  6. well, at least Snag has his children to take care of him.

  7. Kathleen says:

    Quote of teh Day:
    “Hey, don’t sweat it. It’s only going to get much, much worse.”

    I laughed. then I cried.

  8. Another Kiwi says:

    Yeah, my sympathy folks. At least our fucking government has never pretended to be anything more than scum sucking arse vampires.
    I would like to say, to all of the conservative posters at the former Whistlestopper Political Forum who used to wet their pants about Obama and Pelosi and creeping socialism. YOU FUCKING MORONS. You braindead spoonfed fucking cretins, you hypocritical arsewipe slugheads. DIAF

  9. I think that is my favorite of AK’s poems.

  10. Another Kiwi says:

    “Braindead, spoon fed” pretty good eh?

  11. B^4 says:

    How about the new “gun based” birth control measures, complete with hooker boots and red diapers?

  12. ZRM says:

    I canNOT believe I missed that one.

  13. M. Bouffant says:

    Like the “Carousel” reference. Who gets it, though?

  14. One person gets it, it’s enough for me.

  15. blue girl says:

    ““Braindead, spoon fed” pretty good eh?”

    Very good, Sir.

  16. blue girl says:

    +My comment is awaiting moderation? What kind of fascist blog is this?!

  17. mikey says:

    I don’t get it.

    But I’m used to that. I’m the one around these parts who doesn’t have much in the way of higher education…

  18. Another Kiwi says:

    I think it is a reference to “Logans Run” ,which may be based on a Philip K. Dick book , Mikey. Not so bad movie about the future when, at the age of 30 , a light embedded in your wrist starts to blink and it’s time for you to be offed. The Gummint says that you all go on a carousel and some go to a better place but really you go into sausages.
    Logan an his very good looking girlfriend escape to the outside world where they meet Peter Ustinov and some cats.
    Then they tried to make it into a TeeVee series and it all went horribly wrong.

  19. Another Kiwi says:

    Oooh it is not a Philip K Dick book. Stupid brain remembering wrong things. Well it damn well should have been!

  20. Relax, AK; I missed the Zardoz opportunity. So far, that’s the apex of stupid brain work.

Go ahead, tell me how I fucked up this time.

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