Salon is reporting that the debt deal has provided the basis for more compromise among the Democrats and the Insane Sociopathic Fucknozzles (formerly known as Republicans). It seems…well, here, I’ll just excerpt it because I WANT a copyright lawsuit:
President John Boehner and Queen McConnell appeared at the podium to announce significant new compromises with Democrats, based on the pattern of the debt ceiling deal.
“We have made historic agreements on some of the major issues troubling our country” Boehner glowered. “Most significantly, we have critically studied the information regarding global climate change and the degradation of the environment, and the Republican Caucus is no longer able to deny the significance and the dangers. Without a doubt, we must do something to avoid the loss of more pristine environments, especially the dramatic, chilling landscapes at the poles.”
“The ice loss in the arctic regions is alarming. Without these resources, We will be unable to adjust long term programs like Medicare and Social Security to make them sustainable. Therefore, we are announcing a four part program that will totally reverse the damage being done to our environment. Here’s Miss McConnell to explain further”.
“1. We need to drastically reduce our reliance on fossil fuels.” McConnell minced. “Starting immediately, all government vehicles will be scrapped in favor of hybrid and electrical vehicles. To power these vehicles, we will initialize a new program to tap the earth’s core for energy. I have been told by Dr. Rex Ruthor that the procedure is safe and easy, and that there is little chance of splitting the planet’s crust like an over ripe grape.
“2. We need to revamp our food delivery system. The agricultural industry is hurting; too much tainted food is getting through and killing our citizens. Therefore, we will be transitioning to a variety of processed food types, nominally soy-based crackers (as far as you know). This will also tie in to our retirement programs, in ways that are far too complex for the public to understand. We haven’t decided on a name for the foods yet, but considering the base, something involving ‘soy’ is most likely. They will come in a wide variety of shapes, colors and flavor; orange, red yellow, green. The Green is particularly yummy, I am told. Tastes like chicken.
“3. Our labor system is terminally broken. Illegal immigrant workers have depressed wages nationwide, but without jobs for most of the populace, the cost of products and food based on even these depressed wages is out of the reach of most Americans. Plus, the servants for your Leaders’ multiple houses are unreliable and tend to nip at the brandies. So we must develop a new labor source. We will be enlisting the aid of our simian cousins to provide us with this vital new resource. My friend here, Doctor Cornelius, reports that he has increased the intelligence and abilities of a group of simians to perform these tasks; in particular, one named Caesar shows tremendous potential.
“All of this will help contribute to saving the precious arctic and antarctic resources, giving us the ability to finally put Social Security and Medicare on a sound footing for the long term future. Simply put, when Americans reach the end of their useful life, they will be given “homesteading opportunities” on their own …ummm… ‘ice floe’.
“And finally, we have a backup initiative, to reduce the massive amounts of unemployment in the younger people. For now, we are calling it “Carousel” – doesn’t that sound fun?- and it will apply to all citizens up to age 30.
Boehner finished the press conference saying, “We are happy that Obama – he asked us not to call him President anymore- was willing to work out these compromises with us. We all look forward to the next glorious phases of our beloved country’s evolution.”
In answer to a question from the press, Boehner laughed. “What, US? When we say compromise and sacrifice, that’s for YOU. Suffering is good for the soul, you little person. Now kiss my taint.”
On his way to his gold HUmmer stretch, filled with orange hookers and $900 bottles of Merlot, Boehner was overheard saying to Eric Cantor, “Shut up you greasy sniveling shitweasel. These are GREAT plans. What could possibly go wrong?”