Go build yourself another dream/ this choice isn’t mine

Posted: March 4, 2012 in Fridge Note, Uncategorized

Hey.  How y’all doing?

I do owe my 2.6 remaining readers some kind of… well, explanation I guess.  Or at least an entertaining view into the creaking, barely operating clockwork of my id.

Some of you may know, and some may not, that I have been able to enjoy extra-happy-making stressful time in Yet Another Fucking Year On This TurdBall with another lovely financially bereft holiday season, compounded by the twin Good/Bad specters of deadlines for the FIRST Robotics season, and wonder of wonders, an actual ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT.  That may even result in ACTUAL FEES. But all of it HAS TO BE DONE AT THE SAME TIME. Because the universe loves to see zombies under stress, of course.

It may be mentioned that in this time of Economic Adventure Roller Coasterism That Benefits The Very Rich Quite A Bit And The Rest Not At All, financial matters have spiked in an amusing manner as a contributory factor in familial stress. It may also be mentioned that my fucking career has been fucking gasping for remnants of life for several years now. You (yes, all 1.8 of you left) can do the math (oh shit, nobody said there would be math; now we’re down to 1.2 readers).

Well, fuck, I digress so easily. Am I to be faulted if I hope it is the onset of senility?  Pissing myself doesn’t seem to be such a horrible fate, if the pain of memory is diminished….

In the midst of this emotional wreckage, I, of course, turned from time to time to the Imaginary Digital Realm, and my Imaginary Digital Friends.  But…

Things there are not looking much better.  Misunderstandings.  Anger.  Regression, apathy, apprehension…. I found that the corner taverns of my internet were drying up, changing, serving a different clientele (just like it did in my neighborhood in Milwaukee).  It didn’t-doesn’t- always feel like I was welcome anymore.

Look, I know this is a me-thing.  There is no obligation for the Internet to conform to my twisted wishes, and I wouldn’t want it to.  You, as my last .85 readers, need to just accept this as a description of my own feelings.

And without that relief valve, I felt…disgruntled.  No, that’s not the word.  Un-neighborly is better; but certainly resistant to entering into conversation.  Yeah, I know, pretty much the bloggy version of “Get Offa my Lawn”.

OK, so why was I posting anything?  Good question, my .4 remaining reader-partial.  One I asked myself EVERY FUCKING TIME I pushed the ‘publish’ button.  All I can say is that it felt better to do it than to not.

Someone said, somewhere, recently, that “zombie is complex”.  And I recently said that “sometimes it’s too easy to strike at the persona and hit the actual person”.  I suspect that I erred in throwing so all-in on a zombie persona; it seems to make it so easy to be casually vicious.  Zombie or not, I am only a somewhat-human-seeming analogue, and sometimes the last thing I need is more chainsaw or lawnmower references.  Intellectually, I know they are (mostly) meant in jest, but sometimes it just gets tiresome. Often, of late, I suspect Jennifer has the right approach, dissolving the barriers between pseudonym and reality. The only thing slowing me down is that “Real-life architect” seems to fare little better than “pretend zombie” in harshness, so maybe it’s pointless.

Life is hard.  It’s FUCKING hard.  I grew up in a not-especially-privileged family, as did Wife Sublime; we never  grew up expecting a magical life. It is very lucky that we both learned to work our asses off in demeaning, low wage jobs.  Even after we managed white-collar careers, it seems the parts about working your ass off and demeaning are still valid; I will be the FUCKING FIRST to admit that it has worked out much better for Wife Sublime than it has for me.

Whew.  I am one whiny, self-pitying son of a zombie, aren’t I?  So, the more rational among my .15 remaining readers may ask, why the fuck would you bother?

…well, yeah, I ask myself.  And in the past, I responded by starting new blogs, unannounced.

Writing has always helped me focus. I have always written well, when I put my mind to it; in high school, I could get a B+ on a first draft essay.  And when I opened the first crappy version of the Empire, I wrote because it felt worse not to, not because I had any readers. Which I didn’t, at least judging from the comments, for like a year and a half.

I also like writing.  I like reading.  I wish I had a fucking life that allowed me to do both with abandon.

Hey, there goes that digression again.

So, why bother?  Why not just shut down the Empire (again)?

The simplest reason, and the most complex.  I LIKE all you fucking twisted jerk wads. OK, I mean that in a much better way than it sounded.  Fuck, no wonder I am down to .08 readers at this point.

But what happened after I started blogging was kind of unexpected.  I happened upon a twisted spiral of like-minded oddballs who kind of congealed (lousy choice of words, but I am on a roll, kids, stick with me here.  Assuming I still have a non-zero readership).  And in several locales, and situations, I met these Imaginary Digital Friends face to face, not always involving heroic alcohol consumption, and discovered….they were good friends.

It has always struck me as amusing; meeting these folks for the first time, there always seems to be a time of adjustment, where your mind channels voices and faces into your files, already filled with arguments and jokes and common references.  and then ten minutes later, they are like your oldest friends.  It’s a remarkable experience.And it is remarkably amusing to always have Imaginary Digital Friends on hand whenever Wife Sublime wants to visit another city.

So; these Imaginary digital Friends: we have shared dinners, and drinks, and gossip and drinks and advice and chocolate skittles and loss and beer and plans and insights and local news and music.

And, dammit, that’s good stuff.  These days, I start to suspect it’s the only thing that’s worth anything; friends, family, food, music, drink.

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Comments
  1. Assuming I still have a non-zero readership

    0.5!
    ~

  2. I found that the corner taverns of my internet were drying up, changing,

    Still the same as ever at my place…and (the royal) we serve anyone who walks in the door…
    ~

  3. vacuumslayer says:

    You are a good writer. You and N_B…I’ve always admired y’all’s writing (<——!!!!!!). And, yes, writing can be wonderfully cathartic. So, yeah, if you're getting something out of it, that's really all that matters.

  4. And, dammit, that’s good stuff. These days, I start to suspect it’s the only thing that’s worth anything; friends, family, food, music, drink.

    And play, meaning creation. Roboticize with gusto.

  5. vacuumslayer says:

    And play, meaning creation.

    Amen.

  6. mikey says:

    I ain’t goin’ nowhere, Terrence. Set up another round and rack ’em.

    Oh many a peer of England brews
    Livelier liquor than the Muse,
    And malt does more than Milton can
    To justify God’s ways to man.
    Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink
    For fellows whom it hurts to think:
    Look into the pewter pot
    To see the world as the world’s not.
    And faith, ’tis pleasant till ’tis past:
    The mischief is that ’twill not last.

  7. Pinko Punko says:

    I always read this thing, even if I don’t comment!

    Gack- 3B! got the pharma hack bad, and I was so goddamned depressed because that blog is not going to go that way. It may lay there unposting, but hack cobags are not going to take it away from me like some thief stealing my internet yearbook.

    This is a meaningless nothing, but I like everyone too and I can’t let it go no matter how busy I get or how little time I have.

  8. herr doktor bimler says:

    I suspect that I erred in throwing so all-in on a zombie persona; it seems to make it so easy to be casually vicious.

    Memo to self: Learn from ZRM’s mistake. Do not construct an on-line persona that is weirder or more disturbing than my IRL personality

  9. M. Bouffant says:

    Do not construct an on-line persona that is weirder or more disturbing than my IRL personality.

    Huh. I s’pected that you, like me, were toning it down on the iNternet.

    Anyway, what’s to be done about the Shambler’s mid-life crisis?

  10. herr doktor bimler says:

    It would be irresponsible to recommend amphetamines.

  11. Jennifer says:

    I was looking at an old post the other day and saw a comment from Rotten McDonald of Sunnybrook Farm. Those were good days. 🙂

    And yes… what Pinko said:

    This is a meaningless nothing, but I like everyone too and I can’t let it go no matter how busy I get or how little time I have.

  12. It would be irresponsible to recommend amphetamines.

    It seemed to work for Andrew Breitbart.

    At least, it ended his mid life crisis.

    Unless he had it when he was 22.

  13. Rotten McDonald of Sunnybrook Farm. Those were good days. 🙂

    That fucker was so pessimistic. Not like me.

  14. It would be irresponsible to recommend amphetamines.

    So three comments later, hdb recommends amphetamines.

    PSA: Dusty is having a remarkably bad time of it, that makes me feel embarrassed to put up such a whiny ass post. I would recommend stopping by her place and leaving a kind word, if not a donation in bloggery support.

  15. Dang, you didn’t check the box indicating you are human

    Did somebody mention the ThreeBulls! weblog? That’s all I get when I try to comment.

    Of course, there is no box to check (or not), it’s 3Bulls!
    ~

  16. we serve anyone who walks in the door…

    Gotta Serve Somebody, thunder.

  17. I saw them with Neil Young in a small place in Manhattan, back in the 90s.

    P.S. Still no word from the 3Bulls! customer service department!
    ~

  18. Von says:

    I am your reader.
    FOrever
    And your friend.
    Forever
    SO, fuck the rest.

  19. herr doktor bimler says:

    the creaking, barely operating clockwork of my id.

    Steampunk subconscious!

  20. Jennifer says:

    Steampunk subconscious!

    🙂

  21. Mendacious D says:

    all you fucking twisted jerk wads

    That is painfully, delightfully accurate.

  22. fish says:

    Anyway, what’s to be done about the Shambler’s mid-life crisis?

    Buy him a dead Corvette.

  23. fish says:

    I am offended that you haven’t offended me.

  24. fish says:

    Zombie needs coast therapy. Get out of those scary flat, oceanless lands filled with disturbingly nice people and hit the beaches and the mountains with aggressive people on the coast until the misanthropy subsides.

    Fishing for striper helps too.

  25. Jennifer says:

    Get back in the freezer, fish… Also, when all hell breaks loose, you don’t get our fresh water… or our Hot Doug’s fries…

  26. herr doktor bimler says:

    So three comments later, hdb recommends amphetamines.
    Trust me! I’m a doktor!

  27. mikey says:

    Hang on. I’ve got some Ecstasy in the wall below the medicine cabinet…

  28. I have eaten
    the drugs
    in the wall below
    the medicine cabinet

    and which
    you were probably
    saving
    for the weekend

    Forgive me
    they were delicious
    and now
    I love everybody

  29. Whale Chowder says:

    and now
    I love everybody

    Well that’s a relief.

    Jeebus. I turn my back on you for just a minute (or two or three weeks) and you turn into fucking Sad Sack. Buck up, bucko, what’s your other choice?

    Be who you are, love what and who you love, enjoy your friends and have anothe Scotch. Find a little happiness in the everyday things. Shrug off the unpleasant comments. You can’t control anybody but you, so quit worrying about us. Pay attention to you and yours.

    Stop taking your readers so seriously. All 0.5 of us.

  30. Another Kiwi says:

    Good music
    Good poems
    Good wine
    Good books
    The fambily
    Fuck the rest of it

  31. fish says:

    Hot Doug’s does look pretty awesome. We do have Ben’s Chili Bowl though.

  32. heh. Sadly, No goes down (again) and the SadlyNoids are forced to wander aimlessly about the Internet, looking for all the world like a scene from a George Romero movie….

    WC, a couple of people had expressed concern about my spate of non-commenting posts. I tried to address the reason I felt non-communicative in the post above, but got sidetracked, as is my way.

    But yeah, I have been a sad sack; since early 2008, near as I can figure. Hmmm. What significant event could have occurred around that time that might have had an impact? (I would put a smiley here, to decrease the sarcasm factor, but putting a smiley after an obvious, and bitter, reference to Depression 2.0 seems wrong, somehow).

    Thing is, I know I don’t have it so bad. Still have a house. Still making some money. Marriage is stressed but not broken. Heck, my own brother has been unemployed as long as I’ve been struggling.

    But while that is all intellectually valid, or at least arguable, it doesn’t change the way stress makes one see and feel things, you know? It has been a very stressful several weeks here.

    Again, it seems that my post has been poorly aimed. I am not particularly complaining about commenters (heck, if you really torque me off, I will put you in the blacklist, see if I don’t), and the blogs that delight in zombie-slasher porn are easily identified and avoided, for the most part. Look, I am an architect; if I didn’t have a pretty thick hide when it comes to being savagely treated, I would have given up long before starting my own practice. A few semi-anonymous Internet smart-asses? Pshaw. I have competed in Baking Contests, beyotchez!

    There are a few blogs that I have drastically scaled back my interactions on; sticking to safer spaces, for the most part. Which is likely to mean more postings here. Umm, or maybe just a shitload of music videos (“Music nobody listens to”, indeed). Could go either way.

    I am, however, COMPLETELY devastated that fish, at least, did not give me props for the William Carlos Williams poem-treatment. He’s THIS CLOSE to being off the friend list! (but then I remember the Super Bowl and realize that his life is the HARDEST OF ALL, and forgive him).

    Buy him a (Little) Dead Corvette.

    Also, Zombie Prince.

  33. vacuumslayer says:

    I tried to comment in this thread. I appear to either be in moderation purgatory or banned.

    Being banned would be exciting and make me exactly like Elvis Presley’s hips.

  34. Kathleen says:

    that poem was awesome.

  35. Kathleen says:

    also it’s cool to turn off teh comments. sometimes you just don’t want comments. like sometimes you think you really want a drink and then all that is in the offiec fridge is cranberry vodka that your boss brought in……

  36. Kathleen says:

    I have not had any coffee yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. fish says:

    Oh I totally loved WCW on ecstasy. Also the one you wrote.

  38. Kathleen says:

    I have now had coffee. and tea!!!!!!!!!

  39. Whale Chowder says:

    …but you haven’t had me.

  40. herr doktor bimler says:

    What do we`want?
    COFFEE
    When do we want it?
    COFFEE

  41. my boss never buys cranberry vodka.

    He’s SUCH an asshole.

  42. why the fuck would you bother

    Why the fuck, not?

    I find blogging to be cathartic, especially the stupid “meaningless” fluff stuff I tend to post at my OBS blog. One thing I find somewhat distressing but mostly just amusing is that the serious blog I have in my non-OBS-non-anonymous life has been around for about six years, and has had significantly fewer pageviews than the OBS blog has in its short existence. Doesn’t matter, I still post to both, they just scratch different itches.

    the SadlyNoids are forced to wander aimlessly about the Internet, looking for all the world like a scene from a George Romero movie….

    Too true. I might be able to get used to this shambling stuff. There’s a lot of interesting stuff out there in the world, and I am magically seeing less of certain people as well.

  43. …and I am magically seeing less of certain people as well.

    Hey, nobody MADE you stop here.

  44. I didn’t say “certain zombies.”

  45. anyways, to hell with Sadly, No!

    THREE BULLS IS UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!

  46. herr doktor bimler says:

    Relevant to ZRM’s interests
    http://boingboing.net/2012/03/06/rush-flushes-rush.html

  47. Brando says:

    William Carlos Williams — three words
    Zombie Rotten McDonald — three words.

    Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

    The bloghood has evolved the way RL evolved after becoming a dad. Between family and increasing demands of my day job and trying so hard to get some stack of papers together that might get published before publishing collapses, I don’t have the time I used to. The days of spending 3/4 of a workday writing a post and reading everyone else’s blogs. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get a sitter and take a day off and spend a day awash in Zardoz and dick jokes and re-remembering blog references made back in 2007 that still get made today. I may have fewer opportunities for that, but in some respects that makes those opportunities even more enjoyable.

    So, in short, U STILL HAZ BLOG FRENDZ

  48. heh @ hdb.

    Also, Pigboy has long been a fellow Mac user, a fact which pains me a bit, I admit. But he wanted to push Apple products on his show forever, to which Apple politely declined; something along the lines of “…would not fit into our marketing strategy.” . Which then cheered me up.

  49. that might get published before publishing collapses

    Boy, let me tell you how fun it is to be part of an industry that has collapsed.

    OH WAIT, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING.

  50. herr doktor bimler says:

    Life’s tough for a forensic psychologist now that psychopathy and borderline personality are indispensable in politics.

  51. why would you say those things about me, bimler?

  52. Kathleen says:

    Word,. what Brando said

  53. Word has four letters in it.

    There is no “i” in tree.
    ~

  54. mikey says:

    Emm Oh Oh Enn spells Zombie.

    And all that happy crappy…

  55. I too get by (sadly not high) with my online friends. it’s always a pleasure, even if you’re just lurking.

  56. Kathleen says:

    WORD will not be a four letter word in the DILETTANTE Administration

  57. Laura says:

    (((Hugs)))
    Sorry that I didn’t see this earlier. I’m happy to hear that you are sticking around. 🙂

    ((Hugs))
    Laura

  58. mikey says:

    Everyone around me is a total stranger
    Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
    Everyone…

  59. WORD will not be a four letter word in the DILETTANTE Administration

    Wuuuoooord?

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