On Your Feet Or On Your Knees….

Posted: December 11, 2012 in Humanity is a virus

 

 

 

Someone landed here searching for “best cars/trucks to have in the zombie apocalypse”.  Live to Serve!  So I am resurrecting a post from the DedBlog addressing THAT VERY CONCERN!  YOU’RE WELCOME!!

Inspired by the ridiculous wingnut skewered here, also here, I decided that it has come time to cater to the burgeoning zombie population. So we are going to start featuring more undead-centric content around here, and if that requires pictures of cute zombie kitties, so be it. Sometimes un-life isn’t pretty.

Please note: all you Breathers ignore this.

And without further shambolic knees-bent lurching about, here’s the first Zombieriffic Special Top Whatever Zombie List:

 

TOP 8 ZOMBIE VEHICLES!!

8. Any random cafe-style motorcycle. It is a matter of anecdotal evidence that these bikes are ludicrously over-powered and appeal to younger males, who also are less experienced riders, more liable to take risks, and the least likely to wear a helmet. The result? Fresh, warm brains in a cracked open skull!! mmm-mmm!!
7. Pogo Stick. Not so good for late-term zombies, though, because of the rapid changes in momentum. Making the various extremities less attached, if you see what Imma sayin.
6. Segway. Cheap to run, maneuverable, flexible, and convertible to solar power, so they will be good choices after the undead have over run civilization. Goofy as all hell though, Adam Savage notwithstanding.
5. Hummer. Because you know, we don’t call you “Breathers” for nothing. So go ahead and pollute your own life-giving environment, you suicidal goons! We’ll clean up.
4. Rascal. OK, I am going to say first that I mean no disrespect to the disabled, and applaud the mobility offered by these vehicles. However, they are not that fast, and look to be as maneuverable as a palsied three legged cow. So when you’re being chased by zombies, you’re SOL. Plus, no place to mount a chainsaw, and it takes two hands to drive, so you’re defenseless. So seriously, all the living should be driving one of these. I want to see a population like the folks on the spaceship in Wall-E. Like a smorgasbord….
3. Whatever the fack this is. Probably a good choice for the zombocalypse, however, because even though you can’t seem to drive it straight, zombies would fall down laughing to see someone riding one.
2. Police Car (or ambulance). The opportunity to request more police officers or paramedics,(about 2:15) like Zombie Takeout, is something not to be taken lightly.
and without a doubt, no argument will be tolerated, don’t make me eat your brains, the Number One all time Zombie Vehicle is:
ME 262, Prince of Turbo Jet!
Immortalized by Blue Oyster Cult, both in song and album cover, not only is it zombie because it was the first jet powered fighter, looked like a fish, had a lovely undead color on the bottom, and was armed to the teeth, but it LIVES AGAIN!!
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Comments
  1. mikey says:

    Can’t help but think that you could modify the Rascal to fire a mounted weapon, say an extended magazine shotgun or even a 240Bravo using foot controls if both hands were necessary. Helicopters require the pilot to use two hands (cyclic and collective) but they seem to have become somewhat lethal anyway.

    After all, some Syrian kids came up with this thing:

    http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/12/rebel-armor/

  2. paleotectonics says:

    Biiiig bonus to the ME 262 – designed and seriously deadly as an air combat/ anti-bomber fighter plane, that nice Mr. Bitler from Leadsworth you know old chummy, in his fuhrerystical wisdom, decreed that it be a dive- and ground support-bomber, and was thereafter referred to, by its pilots, as der Uberwaldenschwartzgebangen, or the Great Big-ass Pilot Smasher. Zombie buffet, anyone?

  3. Dude. I’m just gonna assimilate.

    • Talk about a pilot-smasher. That was DESIGNED as a last-gasp kamikaze weapon. They didn’t even have pilots anymore; basically that was strapping a jet engine and a shitload of explosive to some kid and pointing it in the general direction of battle.

      • …which, being honest, is kind of a functional description of most warfare.

      • The thing actually worked. But no one but a very experienced pilot could attempt flying it, as with any jet plane of that era.
        ~

      • Umm, dude, the article says “Final training was to occur for the Hitler Youth in battle”. Prior to that training consisted of being towed in gliders. Not exactly a highly-trained pilot force.

        They were basically semi-guided missiles. At that point, experienced pilots had been pretty well wiped out. Germans had hoped to produce 4000 of these things a month, a laughable projection with the state of their manufacturing at that point.

        I think they were planning on taking the concept even further, with a jet (maybe rocket) propelled fighter/bomb that didn’t even have landing gear, but I can’t remember where I saw that genius design.

      • That was that article. Vee haf other artikles!!!

        =>The difficulties experienced by the He 162 were caused mainly by its rush into production, not by any inherent design flaws.[3] One experienced Luftwaffe pilot who flew it called it a “first-class combat aircraft.” This opinion was mirrored by Eric “Winkle” Brown of the Fleet Air Arm (FAA), who flew it not only during post-war evaluations, but went on to fly it for fun after testing had completed. He considered it delightful to fly, although the very light controls made it suitable only for experienced pilots. He wrote about his 162 flights in Wings of the Luftwaffe, a description that has been reprinted in many media over the years.[4] Brown had been warned to treat the rudder with suspicion due to a number of in-flight failures. This warning was passed on by Brown to RAF pilot, Flt Lt R A Marks, but was apparently not heeded. One of the fin and rudder assemblies broke off at the start of a low-level roll, during the Farnborough Air Show, causing the aircraft to crash into Aldershot Barracks[5] before the ejection seat could be employed, killing Marks.<=

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinkel_He_162#Operations
        ~

      • The difficulties experienced by the He 162 were caused mainly by its rush into production, not by any inherent design flaws.

        Yeah, that sounds very similar to what Frank Lloyd Wright used to say when clients complained about the leaks in his buildings.

        Of course there weren’t “inherent design flaws”, because it had to fly, at the end of the day. The flaws were in how it was intended to operate. Or, actually, from the goals of the Luftwaffe, they weren’t really flaws, because anybody who came back from a mission was hailed as a HERO and an ACE and sent right the fuck back out.

        One experienced Luftwaffe pilot who flew it called it a “first-class combat aircraft.” This opinion was mirrored by Eric “Winkle” Brown of the Fleet Air Arm (FAA), who flew it not only during post-war evaluations, but went on to fly it for fun after testing had completed

        Like I said with mikey on the Komet, flying it as a lark is kinda different from being pointed in the general direction of the front and lit on fire. Also, “experienced” pilots. Not minimally trained Hitler Youth.

        Look, I am not saying it was not a functional aircraft, obviously it was. But it wasn’t being design and rushed into production as such, because they knew they didn’t have experienced pilots anyway.

        A government entity, making desperate moves and lying to its pilots and citizens about the program….I would have expected you to agree with me.

      • causing the aircraft to crash into Aldershot Barracks[5] before the ejection seat could be employed, killing Marks.<=

        You do recognize, of course, that this does not actually help your argument that these vehicles were not designed with little consideration for returning their pilots alive?

  4. mikey says:

    That was the ME163 Komet. The wheels were just a trolley that stayed on the ground at takeoff. But they were NOT kamakaze type suicide weapons. They landed on a belly skid and were fairly effective against massed bombers. Which is not to say they weren’t desperately unsafe – the rocket engine used an incredibly volatile fuel mixture, and the tactic was to blast up to 40,000 feet, cut the engine to save fuel and dive through the bomber formations firing the canon. The problem was you had to wait 2 minutes at least before you could attempt a restart, which, if successful allowed a second gun pass. If unsuccessful, the attempted restart scattered tiny bits of Komet and Komet driver all over the clear central European skies.

    As far as the Salemander goes, the article also says it had an ejection seat, pretty much negating the concept of “Ram and Blam” sort of tactical doctrine. Interestingly, the article also says that training in gliders resulted in “minimal zing”, which I suppose can be assumed to be true, although accurately measuring zing is as much art as it is science…

    • the rocket engine used an incredibly volatile fuel mixture, and the tactic was to blast up to 40,000 feet, cut the engine to save fuel and dive through the bomber formations firing the canon. The problem was you had to wait 2 minutes at least before you could attempt a restart, which, if successful allowed a second gun pass.

      …and then what happened if he managed to restart and make a second pass? Out of fuel, or the whole “restart roulette” thing again? I kind of miss where this is not a “kamikaze type fighter” except maybe word count.

      I thought there was one besides the Komet though.

      Well, not that I am any sort of expert on WWII aircraft, or anything really, but I recall something to the effect that on the Salamander, the ejection seat was necessary to get pilots to agree to even get into the things. But it doesn’t negate the Ram-blam; it just makes a concession that the pilot doesn’t necessarily HAVE to die…

      In WWII, weren’t ejection seats problematic in jet fighters anyway? They didn’t operate quickly enough or something.

      • mikey says:

        The Komet landed unpowered on a belly skid. Interestingly, I read a short piece just last week from an American (or maybe a brit) who flew one after the war. Notably, he was still alive when he wrote the piece.

        The history of the ejection seat is kind of interesting. Piston engine aircraft didn’t need them because they flew slow enough that pilots could pop the canopy and get out. They really didn’t like the idea of an explosive seat they didn’t deem necessary. Early jets flew faster, but not that much faster – the P51 topped out at about 430mph and the ME262 at about 550. As the aircraft began to approach the sound barrier the idea of surviving a bailout became a research project, and resulted in all sorts of weird experiments. But by then it was clear that, between the speed of the aircraft and the effect of missiles rather than bullets, an ejection seat was a necessity..

      • The Komet landed unpowered on a belly skid. Interestingly, I read a short piece just last week from an American (or maybe a brit) who flew one after the war. Notably, he was still alive when he wrote the piece

        also notably, it was AFTER the war. So conditions (as well as the intent of the designers) were maybe not fully in effect.

  5. mikey says:

    Also, too, vehicles are kind of meh. Let’s talk about weapons. That would be way more fun. And not just firearms, crossbows and hatchets neither, but actually thinking it through. How about one of those really good air rifles? Could you do sufficient cranial damage with one? One would think so. Or better yet, how about something better against shambling hordes – how about chemical weapons? Why not chlorine gas? A whole bunch of blind zombies would be a greatly reduced threat, and would all eventually stumble into a well or something. Why not better use of incendiaries? Just a garden sprayer from the nearest abandoned home depot adapted for use with home made napalm should make a path through the largest ZomScrum. Primacord based boobytraps. You wouldn’t even have to try to hide ’em. Just set ’em out every thirty meters, and blow the bottom half off a few dozen zombies every time. Zombies without legs cannot be considered a significant problem.

    These doods just don’t seem to have an appetite for the right kind of creativity….

    • mikey has spent more time researching obsolete German aircraft than more pressing dangers like the zompocalypse.

      How about one of those really good air rifles? Could you do sufficient cranial damage with one? One would think so.

      Doesn’t work with mass attacks. Look at how often TWD groups get pushed back by a group of zombies, even with people like Dead-Shot Karl effecting almost a 1 to 1 ration of shots to kills.

      how about chemical weapons? Why not chlorine gas? A whole bunch of blind zombies would be a greatly reduced threat,

      Much of the literature and many of the movies show that sight is not the prevalent method that Zeds find lunch. The exact mechanism has not been fully determined though; but suffice to say that lack of eyes does not seem to slow anyone down in the Evil Dead documentaries.

      Primacord based boobytraps. You wouldn’t even have to try to hide ‘em. Just set ‘em out every thirty meters, and blow the bottom half off a few dozen zombies every time. Zombies without legs cannot be considered a significant problem.

      World War Z pointed out that Zeds are perfect kamikaze fighters, perfectly willing for the first waves to set off mines and such, as well as deplete ammunition, while there are more to come along. No personal self-preservation instinct. And then, once the line is breached, noshing on breathers just makes more Zeds.

      Also, crawling zombies are still fully capable of assimilating someone. A couple of ankle bites will convert someone as surely as a neck bite. Branes for Fud, Bites for Gud, that’s what our t-shirts say.

      Finally, Mira Grant’s epidemiological work on the issue indicates that zombism can be spurred by nearly ANY fluid exchange. So blowing one up is a good way to infect anybody in the wet radius, as well as making the entire area a hazard.

  6. mikey says:

    Also, too, the nexus of robot and animal domination…

  7. Let’s see, I am building robots, and have a house full of animals. I think I am covering my bases….perhaps I need a birdhouse in the backyard. Already have a bat house mounted on the chimney.

    So I am in pretty good shape, unless we start talking about robot squirrels….

    FUCK.

  8. OT, but I kind of wish my family was going to be out doing other things tonight, so I could go home and dance around to crappy 70’s hard rock.

  9. mikey says:

    I’ll crank up some BTO in support of your desires…

Go ahead, tell me how I fucked up this time.

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